The Steps
Contrary to popular belief, time does not heal all wounds. We do.
These steps are meant to be worked in order, each one scaffolding on the learning of the previous. These steps are most often done alone, however, at times there are opportunities if requested and warranted, that another party may be included in some elements. The steps take as long as they take. There is no expectation to neatly wrap each one up into a single 60 minute long session. Healing takes it’s time and there will be parts of each step that for some require more depth and attention and others which require very little. The steps are a fluid process, individual to each person who walks through them.
Step 1. Finding Emotional Freedom
We want to have our emotions but we don’t want our emotions to have us!
-Katherine Woodward Thomas
Something has been broken and it is likely more than just your heart. It may be your ability to feel safe in the world, to make sense of your life, or even your very faith in life and love.This session aims to de-escalate the intensity of your painful emotions, support you to hold and contain your own inner experience, and help you to get back in control so you can make wise and life-affirming choices. In this step we will properly name the feelings for what they are and honour them.
Step 2. Reclaim your Power & your Life
Out with the old, in with the true.
—Jeff Brown
In the aftermath of a relationship ending, you will most likely spin your wheels, going over your breakup story again and again, laboriously trying to piece together a narrative that weaves the bits and pieces into one cohesive story that you can make sense of. Likely your tale will be based upon the multiple ways you were misunderstood, mistreated, devalued and wronged. The victimized, blaming and shaming story will groove deeper and deeper into your understanding, with little room for anything else to grow. YES you probably were let down, you could have been lied to or cheated on. Perhaps they are totally immoral, cruel or unfair. But living in this space of anger hurts only you (and your children). This step brings your attention back to YOU. “As long as your attention stays fixated on what someone else did or didn’t do, you’re not looking to discover all of the subtle, covert and toxic ways that you yourself co-created what happened. Even if the other person is 97% at fault, you want to be really interested in your 3%” (Woodward-Thomas). Your aim in step 2 is to reclaim your power and your life. And that can only happen when you are willing to see clearly all of the many ways you gave your power away, self-sabotaged, turned away from truth and showed up as less than who you are. The victim story you have been drowning in is only holding you back from healing, let’s set it down.
Step 3: Breaking the Pattern, Healing Your Heart
“You cannot change your future; but, you can change your habits, and surely your habits…will change your future.” –
-Dr. Abdul Kalam
Step 3 begins by finding your “Source Fracture Story” and seeing it clearly. This is the story you created when you were too young to know any better about who you are, and what’s possible for you in love. It was the original break in your heart. And the beliefs you formed about yourself due to this hurt. Once you make conscious the underlying beliefs and false truths that have been driving you to duplicate your old painful patterns again and again, you will have the power to challenge and to shift that story. The power to awaken to a deeper truth about your value, your power and your worthiness to love and be loved.
Step 4: Becoming a Love Alchemist
“Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.”
—Jean-Paul SatreIn
Steps 1, 2 and 3 were focused on getting right with you. And now? We move into clearing the toxic debris with the other party. This can look a multitude of different ways as everyone’s situation is different. Step 3 is a releasing. An exercise in compassion and in moving forward. You may never see the other person again, or you may need to work with them in years to come raising children together. You may be surprised how effective this step is in dissolving toxic residue, and finally giving you the chance to move forward with a less burdened heart. To do this step, you are going to need to be a lot less invested in “being right” and a lot more invested in how you may actually make things right. In this step, you will learn how to set healthy boundaries and let go of the promises that were made to you in your relationship.
Step 5: Creating Your Happily Even After Life
It’s understandable to fight for a bigger slice of the pie, But it’s admirable to fight for a bigger pie.
—Glennon Doyle
In this final step of Conscious Uncoupling, you are supported to make wise, healthy and life-affirming decisions as you take on the essential task of reinventing your life and setting up vital new structures that will allow you and all involved to thrive in the aftermath of your breakup. Having been consumed with the many crises brought about by the loss of your relationship, you may not yet be fully aware of the beautiful life that is awaiting you on the other side of grief. Let us take our eyes off of the past and direct them into the future. Let us set down the anger or hatred you have been holding onto and focus on the beautiful things that you are yet to experience in life.
