Parents who engage in healthy co-parenting absolutely do not attempt to manipulate one another or their children. They never try to control a children’s allegiances, or get the child “on their side”. 

They recognize that their children have a right to have relationships with both parents. They recognize that the child see themself as a product of both parents. The negative speak about the other parent can cause the child to have negative views about themself, or feel guilt and shame for the love they have for that person.

A healthy co-parent knows that their children’s affection for the other parent is no personal threat to them.

Generally, the kids of co-parents who work well together will believe that their parents get along (even if they don’t). This doesn’t mean that they necessarily agree on everything or always like one another or even want to be friends; but they do make a concerted effort to show respect to each other in front of their children. It may mean holding your tongue at times - but healthy co-parents maintain basic civility in front of their children. Their opinions or frustrations do not become the child’s concern. They have also learned how to effectively communicate in ways that minimize conflict for the sake of minimizing the stress and the burden for the children.

When any changes are needed, parents who share a healthy co-parenting relationship make an effort to talk with one another first, before announcing any changes to their children. Some families find it helpful to include guidelines for handling schedule changes in their parenting plan, as well. It is never the job of the child to transport messages between homes or to be caught in the middle of a decision making process.

Of course, including children in the conversations that impact them is valuable and important. However, it is important to discuss it first amongst the adults and then come together as a unified front to take into consideration the children’s opinions.

Healthy Co-parents recognize that even though they live in two different homes; they are still a unit. When one parent needs a baby sitter, can they give first option to the other parent to spend some extra time with the children? When something happens at school, should the parent reach out to the other to let them know and discuss it together as parenting partners, even when it is on “their day”? Deferring to each other means staying connected and considering the other as the child’s equal parent no matter what the schedule dictates.

We build boundaries out of love and protection, not out of spite and control.

Consider that boundaries are put in place to establish safety and peace. Boundaries, when placed properly do not act as punishment but instead show respect for each other’s personal life and autonomy

It’s much easier to work together as co-parents when you recognize what you have control over and what you don’t regarding your children and their other parent.  For example, you cannot control who your co-parenting partner dates or even whether they introduce that person to your children (unless it’s written into your custody agreement or parenting plan).

School meetings, sporting events, and recitals: you know you are going to have them. Healthy co-parenting means the other parent is always welcome to be present. That the child feels the support from both ends without having to worry about “what is going to happen”. Taking that stress away from your child is a wonderful gift. They should not be on stage worrying if a fight is going to break out in the audience, or feeling the sadness of one parent not attending.

You have the choice to put your children first and worries about what “others” think last, and are able to practice putting your own feelings about one another aside while you celebrate together the achievements and milestones.