You are of me, but not For me

The decision to make a new human, to usher a new life, a new soul into this world is a monuments one. Especially when we do so consciously. When the choice is well formed and made over conversations and not tequilas, it is a conscious choice to commit to guiding a soul. We are choosing the job. It is best to remember from the moment of conception, that this traveller is going to be of you, but they are not coming FOR you. They are not coming to make your life meaningful, they are not coming to make you look important or feel good about yourself. They are not coming to love you unconditionally or to make you feel ANYTHING. They are coming for themselves. For their own journey and their own learning. I think the best proof we need of this is how often babies are born into this world on their own agenda, without the parents full consent. We are vessels from the new generation to be a portal from Source to Earth, but we are not in ownership, even though our genetics are what supplies them their body. It took me a long time to realize this. Having a baby young, to save me, to make my life better, to show me love. All of these reasons needing to die away before I could truly be the parent I could be.

When I sit down in quiet reflection of how my heart feels towards my children, the words come easy and clearly. And so this letter penned to my children.

My beautiful children, born into this world at the exact right moment. Your life intersecting with mine exactly as was planned. I need you to know, as you may have already begun to realize; I am not like the other moms. That is largely because there is no one way to be a mom, and also because, try as I may, I have not been able to fit the mold that seems to have been created. Now I know there will come a day when you will look at me with anger and frustration, a day that the sound of my voice will irritate you, and quite possibly even a day that the mere fact that I exist as a human, on this planet, at this time, may make you crazy. But before you lose all hope in my credibility there are a few things I want you to know.

First and most important: this life is yours. I do not register or tag you with the city. Your thoughts, your actions, your beliefs are yours. You are the sole and lone proprietor of all that the light touches inside of you.

You delight me with your wonder and I simply cannot find it within me to look at you in judgment. When you ask questions you are never a bother, they are never stupid questions (save for the millionth time you ask me where your backpack is and we both know it is exactly where you left it.) I want you to always be able to ask me anything, even the things that live in the darkest recesses of your heart, because just maybe I can help you shine some light on them.

I will tell you that you are beautiful, but not in regards to the standards set by a society bent on superficial, materialistic views. I will tell you that you are beautiful based on the specific divine uniqueness that resides in your soul.

I will tell you your art is wonderful! But not because it lives up to some sort of expectation or age-related milestone. I will tell you your art is beautiful because it is cultivated in your precious, expanding, creative mind and expressed through your diligent hands.

I will give you safe harbour, using as much wisdom as I can impart to give you the best chance at keeping you safe. But I will also hold you tenderly and not allow you to forget that someday you will die. With this I will help you to see and accept the frailty and the mortality of a human being, so that we never forget to cherish the days and the moments we are gifted with.

I will not make ‘promises’ because that suggests I have any control over the future. I will however show you how we can hold our dreams loosely with enough hope to keep us moving forward towards them; and not so much hope that we become crushed under the weight of disappointment when life has other plans for you.

I will not save you from the fires of heartache, disappointment and pain you find yourself sitting in throughout your life. But I will stand near and say, I know it hurts love, for I too have felt great pain. I will then celebrate with you the greatness that grows out of those ashes.

I will listen to your passions and try to understand you even when we feel we are speaking different languages.

I will do my best not to quiet your outbursts, but instead recognize them as needed and necessary exclamations of self; understanding your precious minds and bodies are under such strain as they grow so rapidly; that you enter into new “first time” experiences all the time.

I will not rush in to stop your cries when you fall down, I will respect you enough to give you the opportunity to inspect the damage yourself and then decide what you need to help you heal - be it space, encouragement or a kiss.

I would rather you see me cry, sometimes of joy and sometimes bitterly and deeply of sorrow than have you live in the false assumption that adults do not feel, and have your goal be to become that adult who "holds it all together".

And also, I will not always be there when you go to sleep at night. I will also not always be there when you wake. But you will never be alone. I know that I am not the only one who can provide for your safety and comfort. I am grateful, not jealous for every adult who brings you ease, brings you joy, reminds you how loved you are. I am special, but I'm not that special.

This is a big world, and we are tiny people, there is so much to explore and I have not hung up my own dreams. You will never be the centre of my universe, the pressure of that for you would be unbearable anyway. And so, when you look around and see that I am not there, I trust that you will know I will never, of my own choosing, be gone from you for too long, but that only by being sure of my own wellness, can I be sure I can provide fully for you. I won't be at every play, game, or every recital. But when I am there I will be looking at you like you are the only person in the world in that moment.

Our paths are our own, and at times they will overlap, while at other times they will take great detours from each other. We will walk together for as long as you require. Maybe that will be until one of us leaves this earth, maybe you will board a train at seventeen to follow your heart across the world. I trust you will tell me.

I will do my best to avoid teaching you the old patterns of the fearful world. When we look at the world as “Us vs Them”, we cause polarities that in the end only hurt us all as a human family.

I will teach you that we simply must not set ourselves above any others, we will keep ourselves humbly in line with all. Not feeling inferior to those who would have us believe we are; and not feeling superior to those we would be told we are somehow worth more than.

I will not encourage the safe or trusted route, I release you to the process of life. I will show you common sense and critical thought, but I know first hand the greatest feelings in life very often take a degree of risk.

I will encourage you to risk your comfort for fulfilment every day.

I will not teach you my religion, I will show you to the doors of all religions, faiths, spiritual paths and allow your heart to flow towards what calls you. My truth does not need to be your truth, my practices do not need to be your practices. There is little authentic about simply mimicking someone else's movements and prayers.

I will not lie to you, I would rather sit beside you as you process the painful truths, than pacify you with gentle lies. I am not here to protect you from your own reality, besides, resiliency is the most powerful armour against the swords of adversity.

I will always help you keep your eyes open to what is happening around us. It will do you no favours to shelter you, only to have you find yourself fully exposed one day having had no chance to build a source of defence against the things that will make your heart shake and make you question everything you thought you knew. I will ease you into the pains of an unconscious world bit by bit; peeling back the pages that expose the fact that so many people are sleeping soundly in their ignorant bliss, that we as a society allow terribly sad things to happen to very innocent people. I will open the blinds carefully to show you that it is human desperation not “bad guys” that causes great pain and choices that we can't pretend to understand.

I will not sit on the floor and engage your mind for hours, or answer your calls before they have even fully left your mouth. I will trust you to explore independently as you build the most important relationship you will ever have: the one with yourself.

There's a high chance you will never witness me "settle down". You will watch me fall in love your whole life. It is who I am. I fall in love with people, ideas, places, experiences, dreams. You would not be getting the full me if I did not share these things with you. My hope is that you will be inspired by my passion, to find your own passions, to chase them and seek them and let them come to you, to let them take you.

If your heart is breaking I promise to allow it to break without moving to try to stop the process prematurely. Even when it crushes my own heart to see you in pain I will respect you enough to let you feel it fully.

I will not protect you from your choices. If you treat others in disrespectful ways I will not jump to your defence. You will learn and you will take those lessons with you.

I cannot give you the edited version of myself. You will get all of me, the good, the bad, the light and the shadow. I'm committed to making sure you do not feel responsible for any parts of me. And even if it is not always comfortable, I will always be real - you will always be able to say "I've always known my mother for exactly who she was". And that person will change as all of us change when left to the natural progression of the human spirit.

I will do my best not to criticize your friends but be available to you to help you think through your relationships, understanding that sometimes the ending of a relationship can be just as beautiful as the beginning.

You will not have the mother that tells you blood is thicker than water and that family always comes first. This is because I know too well, that often times we find our true family scattered amongst the masses, not sitting around a dinner table during holidays.

I will not praise you on how well you did, but I will praise you for how hard you tried, no matter the outcome.

I am giving you my best, there will be wounding, but I aim to minimize it with the consciousness I am practicing. And if phrases like "what is WRONG with you?!" ever escape my frazzled lips please know the answer is: absolutely nothing.

And if everything goes as planned, someday you will be without me. And while there will be grief and sadness, you will look down at the sturdiness of your own legs and know that you are fully capable of journeying on without me.